The Tricks That We Use
by masked-spangler
Summary: Follows Cooper and Charlotte from 4.11 through to the eventual end of the season, as they recover together from Charlotte's rape and rebuild their lives. Angst and romance aplenty! It'll be a ride. Part 12: Violet intercedes in the Cooper/Amelia debacle.
1. Chapter 1

_Note: This will be a little different from my other stories in that I aim this to be an ongoing epic, starting from 4.11 and spanning the rest of the season, dealing with events (and complications) both 'off-screen' and in the episodes. Therefore, updates during weeks we have no episode might be less frequent, but the story will continue until the season ends. It will be independent of the other stories I have written and will follow the show's events more closely, although there may be some embellishments. I hope my fellow Cooper/Charlotte fans will enjoy it! I am not a fan of interrupting the story with huge author notes in every chapter so I don't always respond to every feedback, but I truly treasure all the wonderful comments that have been left on my previous stories and am always so grateful when people take time to comment. I hope you'll join me for another story, and I welcome any suggestions for events you want to see happen!_

_We'll be alternating viewpoints, with one chapter for Cooper, one for Charlotte per episode:) You'll see highs and lows for both of them-please don't expect either one to always behave perfectly, but there will be a nice ending, I promise! I have received some nasty messages through the PM system and elsewhere regarding this, and I have to admit, it was a little disheartening. We all have our own interpretations- there is no right or wrong. Just please remember that people like me are doing this for fun. If you want to read it and you enjoy it, that's amazing. If you find my style is not your thing, nobody is forcing you. Let's just enjoy the season together as fellow fans.  
_

The Tricks That We Use

_It would be great to be so strong_  
_Never needing anybody else to get along_  
_But we're so scared of the silence, and the tricks that we use_  
_Oh We're careful and we're cunning, but we're easily bruised_  
_I don't want to lie about it, I'm not bulletproof_  
_-Blue Rodeo_

"I made her smile again."

He's in Sheldon's office, the morning after the Chicken Sex, and he's reporting back on the night's events.

"Oh?" Sheldon says.

"Uh huh. It was a weird night, Sheldon, a really weird night. We tried...well, I thought we did. Or we were going to. And then it just..."

"Just what, Cooper?"

"It didn't feel right, somehow. And...I don't know. I freaked out a little, because all this time I was worrying that SHE wasn't ready, and it never occurred to me that I might not be..."

"That's an important realization."

"But then I remembered that you said we had to work up to it. And I thought maybe this is just like the talking thing, you know? Like, we don't have to talk about _this_, necessarily. We just have to talk about _something_, you know?"

"So what did you talk about?"

"We talked about the best place in Southern California to get fried chicken. And now, we have a little thing. You know, it could have gone the other way, last night, with tears and apologies and a whole angsty thing. I made her smile instead. And maybe it wasn't sex, but it was something."

"Yes," Sheldon says. "And you can build on that, Cooper. Little pockets of normal, one moment at a time."

"Can I...can I ask you something else, while I'm in here?"

"Of course you can."

"She's...she's a little nicer now. A little softer, maybe. To me. To other people. Is is really, really awful that I'm kind of glad about that?"

"I'll answer your question and say that you are not really awful. But I'd like to table any further discussion on it, if that's all right. Cooper, there are a lot of things about Charlotte's life that are in flux right now. It's like...it's like her life was a boat, and the attack threw her off the side of it. She's made it to the life raft now. But she's still all alone out there, in the middle of the ocean, trying to survive until she finds terra firma. And that can take awhile."

"But she's not alone."

"A part of her is, Cooper, and always will be in this. Because she's the only one who saw, who felt what happened that night. There's a part of what she's been through that she can never really share with you."

"So, what do I do, Sheldon? How do I make her not be alone in this?"

"You do what you're doing. You take things slow with her, and you build up the normal until it's there more often than it's not and she feels like she's back on steady ground. I wouldn't try the sex again just yet. Touch, cuddle, kiss. But leave the sex alone until it feels right -really right- for both of you. Just picture her alone in that life raft in the middle of the ocean. And try to be the light that guides her back to shore."

"Poetic, for a shrink."

"I have my moments. If I might give you one tiny caution before you go?"

"Okay."

"You had a good night, Cooper. And I don't want to take that away from you. But believe it or not, it's still pretty early days for this kind of thing. You can't expect that every night will be good. You understand me?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Sheldon."

"So, are you gonna tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"The best place in Southern California to get fried chicken."

On that happy note, he leaves and goes to get himself ready for his day.

* * *

He stops by the hospital at lunchtime, but she isn't there, and nobody seems quite sure where she is. A nurse thinks she was with a patient, but doesn't know which one. Another nurse thinks she had a budget meeting. A third says she's at the practice, but he's just come from there...

He calls Violet. "Hey. Can you check for me, is Charlotte there?"

Violet puts down the phone for a second, then comes back. "Nope. Everything okay?"

"Just...she isn't here either. So..."

"So maybe she went out for awhile."

"Or maybe she's...god, Violet, what if she's hurt again? He's still out there, the man who...he's still out there. A lot of people are still out there, and she could be hurt, and she could be scared, and she could be..."

"She could be at the bank. Or at the coffee shop. Or..."

"Damn it, Vi! She could be hurt!"

"Okay," Violet says. "I can see where this is coming from, but it's not gonna help you, Coop. Slow down for a second, take some deep breaths for me, okay?"

"Violet..."

"This was a trauma for you too. You know that, right?"

"Violet, I..."

"You're having a panic reaction, because this was a trauma for you too. But Cooper, you're not going to get through this by flying off the handle every time she's out of your sight. She's going to need space, sometimes. To go off and think for awhile, to go about her life. She doesn't have to account for where she is at every moment of the day."

"It's lunchtime. I always try and find her at lunchtime to check in and see if she wants to eat with me."

"That's sweet. Now, tell yourself she just wanted to eat alone today."

"She could be hurt, Violet. She could be lying in a ditch somewhere."

"Or she could be trying to pace herself after a maybe stressful morning by getting out of the hospital for a breather. Remember, that hospital is where it happened, Coop. It's a trigger now. And if something happened this morning that set that trigger off, she'd want to get away so she could calm down again."

"But...why wouldn't she call me? Why wouldn't she just let me know where she is?"

"Would she have before?"

"Well, no..."

"So there you have it. Look, trust her a little. I know it's hard because she's not exactly a world-class sharer and you feel like you can't be sure she's always okay, but trust her. She's come to me, about things. She's gone to Naomi too, I think. When she needs something, she asks for it."

"Okay, that's great, but...but she's not HERE, Violet. Where could she be?"

Violet sighs. "All right, come on back here to the practice and wait with me, okay? She has a consult booked here in about an hour. If she's not here by then, I'll entertain your ditch theory."

What can he do? She isn't here. But he knows where she'll be. So he heads back to the practice like he's been told, and he waits for her.

* * *

"Okay," Violet says. They're back in her office, and he's trying to sit, but his foot keeps tapping, and he can't stop checking his phone for a message or text. "We have some time, so we're going to practice."

"Practice what?"

"Practice not flying off the handle at Charlotte when she turns up for her consult."

"Violet..."

"I mean it, Coop. It won't help things, if you do. I promise you that. So, whatever stressing you want to do, you get it out of your system now, with me."

"I'm not stressing, Violet."

"You totally are. She's in a ditch, and you're right there with her, and you're freaking out, and it's not gonna help. So, put the phone down and look at me, Cooper. Pretend I'm Charlotte, and I've just come in. What do you say to me?"

"I say where the HELL were you, I was worried sick!"

"Noooooo..."

"Um...I say hey babe, how was your morning?"

"Better..."

"Then I casually mention I went by the hospital earlier and couldn't find you."

"No."

"All right, how's this? Um...I had to work through lunch today. What did you wind up getting?"

"Better. See? This is helping."

"Where is she, Violet?"

"Cooper..."

"I texted her like three times. Where IS she?"

* * *

Ten minutes before the scheduled consult, Charlotte rolls in, and he has to stop himself from pouncing. He keeps his pace casual as he follows her into the kitchen, Violet hot on his heels and whispering a warning 'relax...' as she takes watch by the door to monitor his progress.

"Hey, babe."

Charlotte closes the fridge, looks his way. "Oh. Hey."

"How was your morning?"

"Fine. You?"

"It was fine too."

"Good. We're both fine."

"Charlotte..."

"What, Coop? You're using that checking up tone with me. What do you want me to tell you?"

"Just...I was at the hospital before and I couldn't find you. I kinda...kinda worried, a little."

Her eyes narrow. "How much of a little?"

"Well, okay, more than a little. I texted you, like, three times."

"Yeah. I saw."

"And?"

"And I was driving, so I couldn't answer. And then I wasn't driving, but I was annoyed with you for acting like a stalker. Okay?"

He's not quite sure where this mood has come from. But, even though he sees that she's okay, it's making his worry not quite go away...

"Charlotte? Where were you driving?"

"I was driving to someplace I had to be. And that's all I'm gonna tell you. If you're done inquisitioning me, I have a consult, so..."

He frowns. "Do I need to apologize? Because it sounds like you're angry, and I'm not sure what I did except be worried cause I couldn't find you and I didn't know if you were okay. And I worry about that because I love you, you know?"

"Uh huh. Look, I have a consult..."

He sighs. "All right. So...we'll talk later?"

She shrugs, leaves. Never quite gives him his answer. Violet comes over and pats his arm. "Well," she says with a chipper smile. "That went better than I thought it would."


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

The consult is a quick one. She never does much with these beyond a brief history and a look at the schedule to book some labs, but she's glad it's an in and out, because she's having trouble concentrating. She isn't feeling great. She's been fighting a headache ever since she ran out on Pete at the hospital this morning, and the steady stream of messages, from both him and Cooper, only served to set her more and more one edge. She's still feeling that fight-or-flight itchiness a little, but that's not Cooper's fault...

She rubs a fist into her forehead, trying to clear the tension away, and with a sigh, tries to start fixing things.

"Coop?"

She doesn't have to call very loudly; as she's suspected, he hasn't gone far. He peeks around the doorjamb with hopeful puppy-dog eyes.

"Hey, babe."

"Hey. Okay, so I'm sorry. That's the first thing. Didn't mean to go all snippy on you."

"It's okay."

"No. It's not. Wasn't your mess you stepped into there, and I shouldn't have treated you like it was."

"Char..."

"So, I'll tell you. But don't you dare go all sad on me, your hear me? Just...just won't hold it together very well if you do, so...can you?"

"Can I what?"

"Not go all sad, if I tell you. Cause if you can't, I just..."

"Charlotte. Just tell me what happened."

"Woman came in. Beaten, I think. Bruises, a scratch or two, dislocated shoulder."

"Ouch."

"She had a little boy with her. And a boyfriend with dark hair and creepy eyes, and he...I don't know. I know he wasn't...wasn't THAT guy...but the man who...him...he had a girlfriend too. And a little boy. And dark hair, and creepy eyes..."

"Oh, sweetie..."

"No. Don't go all sad. So, I left it, Cooper. Left the woman in the ER, let Pete deal with it. And I just...just ran. And then Pete started calling, and you started calling, and I was just sitting out in the car feeling like I had to get away, but I couldn't start driving until I stopped feeling like I was gonna throw up any second..."

He thinks for a minute, and she can tell he's trying to stop himself from saying goopy things. Then he says "I just wish you'd called someone."

"You mean you?"

"If you felt okay with that, yeah. But Char, there are a lot of people here who care about you. A lot of people who want to help you so you never have to be alone with something like that. If you ask..."

"Didn't want to ask. Didn't want any of them to...look, I'm just explaining. I got scared, I guess. Had a little panic. And I started feeling that way I used to get where the only thing that makes it go away is pills, booze or sex, and none of those is really an option right now, so..."

"Hey." He leans over, gently brushes his hand against her cheek. "We'll get there, Char. We will, I promise you."

"Yeah, I know we will, just that we weren't there today, and I needed to...just needed to breathe for a second...so I didn't call you, and I didn't call Pete, and now you're..."

"Now, I'm here," he says. "So, what do you need?"

Her eyes well up. "Coop..."

"Can we call Pete, maybe? Tell him you're okay?"

"All right..."

"And did you maybe want to eat something? Late lunch? Early dinner?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be. Look, you just sit, relax, think about where you want to go eat. I'll call Pete for you, shut down a few things here, and then we can go, okay?"

"Thank you."

"Can you do me one favour, though? Can you just tell me next time? Just tell me a little, so I don't worry so much?"

"Okay. I'll tell you."

"Hey. No tears. We'll get there, okay? I promise you."

He leaves her to go take care of business. And she isn't sure whether she feels better, or worse from his kindness.

* * *

Cooper's barely been gone a second when Violet knocks. She has that chipper smile and a game face that says she's here on business.

"Cooper send you to keep an eye on me?"

"Sort of," Violet admits.

"Well, I don't feel like talking right now."

"Didn't say we had to talk. Can I sit for a second?"

"Suit yourself."

Violet sits. For a minute, she's quiet. Then, she leans over and drops a slip of paper on the desk.

"I'm just gonna leave that for you," Violet says.

"What is it?"

"A couple of names of some therapists I know who specialize in this sort of thing."

"Violet..."

"Wait," Violet says. "Just listen for a second. This is all the talking I'll do, I promise, but for just a second here, I want you to listen. I get that you don't really want to talk about this with me. We work together, Coop's my friend, you don't really like me, I get it. But Charlotte, you need to talk to someone. You really do."

"Why? Cause you did?"

"No. Because YOU do. This is professional opinion here, and however else you might feel about me, you know I'm good at my job. I know what you've been through. I see how you're handling it. And in my professional opinion, you need a little help."

"I'll take that under advisement."

"That's all I'm asking. Are you...are you okay right now? You look a little peaky, and you keep rubbing your head..."

"Leave it. It's fine."

"Okay. So...what else?"

She almost says something, about how she cries more than she snits these days, and how that's not the usual way of things. But she's really not in the mood for talking, and she'd rather not waste it on Violet if she's looking at a night of it with Coop. So she closes her eyes again, works the fist into her skull in slow, even circles, lets the silence and the motion soothe her. Lets Violet sit, as long as she leaves it, which for once in her life, she does.

Then Cooper comes in, and Violet stands, touches his arm, whispers something. Gives her that game little smile again before she goes.

"Hey," Violet says. "Have a good night, okay?"

"Yeah. You too."

And Cooper is beside her, and she can feel his worry. But the first time, it feels like love and not smothering. Like caring, like warmth, like hope...and her eyes tear up, again, and she almost stops herself from showing him. But then she lets her hands fall away from her head and drop into his.

"Can we just sit for a minute?" she asks him.

"Sure we can."

"Just sit. Hold my hand. Just quiet, and...sit..."

He holds her hand for a minute, watches her cry. Then pulls the chair even closer and gently draws her in. She feels his hair brush up against her cheek, feels his arm bracing her as he pulls her close, his finger stroking at the damp spot on her cheek, his lips caressing her ear and whispering something soothing. It's not like sex. But it's something else, something she doesn't think she's ever had when that had been the only goal. And in this moment, it'll do.

She takes a deep breath, still feeling a little teary underneath it all, but back to herself a little. "Thank you," she says.

"No, thank YOU," he answers. "For letting me see..."

Now, how is she supposed to answer that one? Talk like that, six weeks ago, would have been hovering her and raised up her hackles. But there's something about her mood, and his, ever since he bought her that friend chicken the other day and they tried, really tried to talk again...

"Just soothing, I guess," she admits. "To know sometimes that someone else is here. Why did I never need to know that before?"

He holds her hand again. And they sit some more.


	3. Chapter 3

_Timeline Note: During 4.12; deals with Charlotte's therapy, and foreshadows for a known 4.13 spoiler. We left the wedding in a cliffhanger, so I'm skipping over that for now :)_

Part 3

They're lying in bed together, and her head is resting in the crook of his arm, but she's limp and soft-at last relaxing after a long, tiring day. And she's newly chatty, as she's been these past few nights; they still haven't made the leap to sex just yet, but they've found something else to do in bed together...

"Cooper?"

"Yeah, babe."

"She gave me some names."

"Who did?"

"Violet. Game me some names. Some therapist ones."

"Oh?"

"Thing is, a couple weeks ago, I would have been sure she got that kind of idea from you and I would have been pissed at the both of you. But I think...she got there herself, Coop. She's watched and she's listened and she's got there herself, that I need it, maybe."

He tries not to get his hopes up. "And?"

"And maybe...I do. I mean, personally, I could take or leave that woman sometimes, but one thing she does know is her job. And if I...if she...damn. Guess what I'm asking you is, is it that obvious?"

"Well, I think it would be more obvious if it wasn't someone as strong as you are. But Char, she saw the office. She knows what your injuries were. And I guess she can't believe...just like I can't believe...that you could go through it and not need a little bit of help."

"I've _had_ help."

"Sure, with the physical stuff. But with the rest of it..."

She sighs, snuggles down a little underneath the blankets. "There's the thing. Everyone always assumes that there has to BE a rest of it."

"Doesn't there? Char, if it was really true that you could just blink and have this all be over, you would have done that by now. And you'd be sleeping again, and we'd be..."

"Ah. That."

"Now, you know what I think about that. If we need to go slow, if we need to take time, we will absolutely take it. Whatever you need. But my point is, if it were that easy, then...well, it would be that easy. And Violet wouldn't have a whole page of phone numbers for doctors who specialize in this kind of thing. And Sheldon wouldn't have a whole page of different doctors..."

"He does?"

He kisses the top of her head, adjusts his arm position. "He cares about you, you know."

"I know he does. And you know, I don't think I've thanked you yet, for keeping this only with him. Violet, she's your friend. I know you talk to her..."

"Not about this."

"I know that. So, thank you. This has been hard for me, having everybody know. Maybe harder than it would have been if I had just been some random patient who comes and goes. And maybe that's why what Violet said had me thinking...that maybe seeing someone wouldn't be so bad..."

He feels something in himself relaxing at this revelation. "Babe. I'm so proud of you."

"Hmmm. It's not just the rape itself, you know."

He flinches, as he always does when she says that word. "What do you mean?"

"It's him. The person. The man who did all this. I think about him."

"Oh?"

"He's out there somewhere. And...he could come back. Could just walk into my hospital again, and...do you ever think about that? About what you would do if he just waltzed into the ER and you were there?"

He thinks about it all the time. Hears in his head the sound of Charlotte's hand crunching under that heavy, booted foot and wonders if the bones in Lee McHenry's nose would make the same sound if his fist connected with them. He thinks about the way she must have screamed when he pinned her arms and forced himself on top of her, and imagines that man screaming too as he himself looms over him, examining a grievous and well-deserved wound...

"No," he says after a moment. "I try not to imagine."

"Well, I imagine. Maybe it's him who comes in. Or maybe it's some girl, and her hand is broken, and her face is smashed..."

Her voice catches a little, and he draws her in. "Hey. It's okay."

"Only sometimes," she says. "Other times, it's still not. And maybe I do need to talk about that."

He hugs her again, but she's done for the night. They drift off into their own little nighttime worlds, but his mind is still a little fidgety, and hers is too. She dreams, and she doesn't even wake him with her fitful stirs. She doesn't wake him because he hasn't completely gone to sleep.

* * *

He sits in Sheldon's office the next morning and reviews the conversation, trying to figure out what it is that's still bothering him about it. Charlotte is touching him-okay, no sex, but still, she's touching him. And she's talking, both to him and in the more general sense. That tentative step toward therapy is huge for someone like her. And, as Sheldon points out, it's a very healthy sign that she's trying to heal.

"I think she's right," Sheldon says. "Going outside the practice for this."

"Not much choice. Violet makes her uncomfortable, and you already have me."

"Well, that's not the only issue. Given my past with her, I'd probably refer her anyway. But that's not what I mean. We were all there, Cooper. We saw. We...well, we treated her, all of us did, in various ways. She hasn't been alone in this. And maybe she needs to be. To process, to really process what's happened and where she goes from here, maybe she needs to just think this out with someone who wasn't so close to the whole thing. To have a part of this recovery that's really coming from herself."

"I get that, I do. I'm the one whose really been encouraging her. I just...it just tears me up, you know? That she's still dealing with this. That she still has these pictures in her head. She told me she thinks about him. Wonders what she'd do if he just turned up in the hospital one day."

"That doesn't surprise me."

And it dawns on him, what's still bothering him so much about the conversation. "And then she asked me if I thought about that. And...I lied, Sheldon. I lied. I told her I didn't. Why did I lie about that?"

"Why don't you tell me?"

"Yeah, I guess that's what you'd have to say, isn't it? Well, all right. I guess I figured she was worrying enough already. I didn't want her worrying about me."

"Nope."

"What do you mean, nope?"

"Well, it's true. But it's not the reason you lied, Cooper."

"All right, smarty pants, what is?"

Sheldon just sits there, folds his hands. Waits.

"Okay," he sighs. "I didn't want to plant any pictures in her head, can you understand that? She has enough scary pictures already. I didn't want to give her any more."

"Close," Sheldon says. "Not quite, but close."

"Geez. What did you want me to tell her? That if I ever see that bastard's smarmy, dead-eyed face in punching distance of my fist, that I wouldn't be able to stop myself from putting him into a traction? That if he ever looks at me-ever SMILES at me with that slick, got-away-with-it smile-I'd wipe it off his face so hard they'd be mopping his blood off the linoleum well into Christmas? You want me telling her THAT, Sheldon? You want her seeing blood when she closes her eyes, and have MY fist be the one causing it?"

Sheldon unfolds his hands, gives him a satisfied nod. "Bingo."

"Well, hell, Sheldon. How am I supposed to tell her I'm that kind of guy?"

"You know you're not, though. Let me ask you something. If Charlotte told you she had these thoughts, would you judge her for them?"

"Of course not! He hurt her. He hurt her in the worst way a person can be hurt. She has the right to be angry about that, Sheldon. She has the right to be angry at HIM."

"Well, so do you, believe it or not. We have a word for what you're going through-it's called secondary trauma, and what it means is that what's happened has, in its own way, had just as profound an impact on you as it did on her. You need to heal too, Cooper. It's natural to be angry, and it's natural to express it and process it and let it play out. It's good that you're doing that here, in a therapeutic setting. It'll help you."

"And Charlotte? Should I...should I tell her about this?"

"Maybe not in as vivid detail as you told me. You're right to try and keep the scary pictures to a minimum, with her. But if NOT telling her is going to make you feel dishonest or deceitful or like you're holding back something important, than yeah, it wouldn't hurt to fess up next time she asks you."

"Yeah. God, Sheldon. This is so, so hard. Everything about this is just...it sucks. And it's hard."

"I know it is. You're making progress, Cooper. She is, too. Remember that. You'll be okay, you two."

"Thanks. Needed to hear that today."

"And Cooper?"

"Hmmm?"

"If you do see that bastard's smarmy, dead-eyed face in punching distance of your fist, do I need to tell you that you should hold that fist back and call me before you do something stupid?"

"Damn, Sheldon."

"Just saying. You okay now?"

"I'll hold. Thanks."

He has a light morning, he notices, checking his schedule as he leaves. Well, good. He has time to drive on out to that chicken place again. He's the one who needs the comfort food today.


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4

She ignores the knock, the first time. It's a timid knock, apologetic somehow, and she senses that it's Sheldon. He means well, god love him for that, but she has to calm herself and she needs peace right now. She shuts her eyes, ignores the flash of anxiety that flares in her gut while she sits and breathes. She recognizes that for what it is, a craving triggered by the truckload of narcotic medication that prescription put her name to today. She supposes she should go to a meeting tonight, but Amelia's annoyed her today...

A knock again, some time later, and it's more forceful this time, and Cooper calls out to her. "Charlotte?"

She exhales, and something in her relaxes. But she keeps her eyes closed, keeps her breathing steady. "Come in..."

He comes in, sits. Waits for her to open her eyes again. She takes one more breath, attempts a brave smile and finally looks at him. "Hey, Cooper."

"Hey."

"I'm glad it's you this time."

"Yeah. Sheldon said you didn't seem to feel like talking. Figured I'd give you a few minutes."

"Thank you."

"So?"

"So, I was a bit of a hot mess, if you want to know the truth. Not sure if I was angry, or..I don't know. Kinda new to me, parsing my feelings like this. Had me all confused, what happened today with Sheldon's doctor friend. It was like...like I was angry, sure, but I was disappointed maybe, underneath all that, because a part of me hoped it would work..."

"It did? Really?"

"Well...did you think I only went because you asked me?"

And she can see it in his face right away, that he did, so she qualifies. "Okay. At first, when you brought it up weeks ago, I did think about that. Going just to please you. But then we started talking about this, and I guess I decided that just going wouldn't be enough. It'd please you more if it actually helped me, wouldn't it? And...that'd please me more too. Feeling helped, I mean. But...damn, that is a tough thing for me to ask for, Coop. You know that help is a tough thing for me to ask for."

"Oh, sweetie, I know it is."

"And then I got my hopes up. And it pissed me off that I let THAT happen only for it to...well, be the hot mess it was. And then it pissed me off even more to realize that I'm gonna have to do it all again, because I still haven't solved my problem."

"You'll do that? You'll go again?"

"Don't sound so pleased. This is gonna be tough for me, Coop."

"I know. And I'm here for you, Charlotte, I am."

"I know you are. And I love you for it. But what am I supposed to do with the stuff I can't tell you, Coop? How do I deal with that?"

She sees a brief flash of hurt in his eyes, and then love, and sympathy. He's still squeezing her hand. "Charlotte? Can you try something for me?"

"What, Coop?"

"Can you tell me something? Just one thing, that you think you shouldn't, can you tell me?"

"Cooper..."

"Just listen. I want to prove it to you, okay? I want to prove that it's okay for you to talk to me. About anything. I won't be angry. I won't be sad. I'll just listen. And I'll love you. And whatever bad thing you think is gonna happen won't happen."

Her gut is tangled up again, but it isn't him, it's what he's asking. He knows her. Knows how big an ask this is. But she loves him, and he's sitting there holding her hand and looking so gentle and open and...and there...

"Well, okay," she says. "Here's one thing. If Amelia hadn't mouthed off about the therapy, I'd probably be asking her to come to a meeting with me right about now."

He takes that in for a second, slowly nods. "Okay. Um, any particular reason?"

"That prescription. Thought about filling it."

"Ah."

"Part of why I resisted this kind of thing. I worried it'd go that way. It's like...like some people, they can buy the bag of chips and measure out a handful and put the bag away. And other people, they just know they can't ever bring that crap into the house because if they do, they'll get in over their heads without even thinking. I'm around this stuff all the time, cause I'm a doctor, and that's fine. That's passing the aisle with all the chips when you're in the grocery store and walking right on by. But having that scrip in my hand, with my NAME on it..."

"That's like taking the bag of chips home?" he guesses.

"Yeah. It's sitting in the cupboard and I haven't opened it yet. But I know it's there, Coop. I know it's just right there..."

He gulps, squeezes her hand again. "Do you still have it?"

"What, the scrip? No. Think I flung it at Sheldon while I was yelling. But it did trigger me, all the same. Not a huge trigger. But enough of one that it got to me. Damn. I should probably still go to a meeting, Amelia or not."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

For a moment, she's thrown. She has never brought him into that part of her world before, never EVER let her little problem contaminate his life. Even now, when she and him are talking this way, this feels like a boundary she just can't cross with him.

"You can drop me off," she says. "And pick me up again, when things are done. But don't come in with me. Not this time."

"Okay."

"And I might need some distracting, after. Stay busy to keep my mind on things. Get a movie or something, while you wait for me. Some black licorice-the real kind, in the paper bags, not those bland, stale sticks of it you get at the grocery."

"All right, Frothy chick flick and real black licorice. Anything else?"

"Something frothy to make a bath smell nice. And if you're a real good boy and you find the nice licorice, maybe I'll let you join me in the bath."

"Now, there's a motivation. Can I just point something out to you? You told me. And it was okay, wasn't it? It was okay?"

She pulls her hand away, then a moment later, reaches out again. "It will be. I think...it will be."


	5. Chapter 5

Part 5

_Timeline Note: 4 chapters for this episode, since there was a lot going on :) End of 4.12 (the wedding) and early 4.13 (Lee's arrival in the hospital) for the first two, then middle of 4.13 for the others..._

He's home again, and while he was at work, there was an explosion of Girl. There are clothes everywhere, dresses strung on every surface and a faint haze of powder in the air from all the make-up she's tried and rejected. Charlotte is in front of the bathroom mirror with a box of spangly things, holding them up to her bare, shower-wet neck. She whirls at the sound of his footsteps, and she's positively giddy.

"Well?" she prompts, flashing a sliver of gold at him so fast he can hardly see it.

He wonders if this is a sign of some sort of breakdown. "Um..."

She rolls her eyes a little, reading his worry. "The wedding, Coop. Addison's mother."

"Ah."

"I mean, I don't know them from Adam, but still, it's a happy thing, so I'm being happy, you know? And, hey, an excuse to dress up and look pretty..."

"I'm all for that."

Her face goes suddenly serious. "We've had a time, Coop. Guess I'm just...trying to put that away, when I can. Just looking for a reason, to...to..."

"I know." He comes closer, kisses the back of her head. "It's okay, baby. We'll go, we'll look pretty. Fun times."

"Coop?"

"Yeah, babe."

"Kind of can't face putting all this crap back again. Went a little crazy."

He nods. "You get dressed. I'll clean up a little."

He leaves her in the bathroom and moves around the bedroom, picking things up along the way. He's trying to pick up her happy mood, but he has to admit, he's struggling. He's pleased that she's trying to put this away and get back to her life, but it breaks his heart that she's having to try so hard. That party time giddiness really is just a little manic underneath the facade of it. As he surveys the tsunami she's left in the wake of getting ready for it, he can almost see the Fun Checklist she was ticking off in her head to make sure she looked suitably convincing...

He wonders what Sheldon would say about this. Probably something about how people find comfort in ritual. How it's a sign of progress that Charlotte is ready to join in a shared experience with a community that's drawn around her. That celebrating something like this with Addison will give both of them a memory besides the rape to focus on...

Of course. He should have guessed that's why this would be strange for her.

"Babe?"

"Yeah, Coop?"

"You thinking about her? About Addison?"

She comes out of the bathroom, and she's frowning. "Why would you bring that up now?"

"Well, I know that you and she have had...some experiences..."

"You can say it, you know. You can say what it was."

"I just mean..."

"I know what you mean. And I try not to go there these days. I don't always succeed...but I try. She was part of that. But she can be part of other things too, and that's what I'm trying to tell myself, about everything that got tied up in that night. Cause Coop, if I stay there forever, in my office, with that man...if I let that BE there all the time..."

"Hey." He brushes up beside her, gives her arm a squeeze as he touches her. "I am so proud of you, babe."

"I know you are. I'm trying, Coop. Lord help me, I'm trying..."

He senses a hint of tearfulness in her tone, and his heart breaks for her. "Just tell me how I can help you," he says.

"One moment at a time, Coop. One moment at a time. For this moment...I'm putting all of it away, and I'm going to a fancy party. And that's all it is. You coming?"

* * *

She opts for simple, yet elegant; a sheathy flattering dress, earrings, a simple necklace, her hair down, but pulled back with an elegant twist. She's touching him, more than she usually does. Little pats of his hand during the service, little pecks on the cheek as she sits with him and takes in the scene. Trying to ground herself, he supposes. To give herself the comfort she needs to relax and enjoy what's going on around her. He touches her too. Makes she's not the only one who still has to try to keep their mind out of the tricky things...

By the time the reception begins, he's almost convinced himself that she's stopped the faking it and really is making it and actually enjoying herself for once. As he comes out of the men's room, he catches her on the way to her own little pit stop.

"Too much champagne?" he teases.

"I was just going to freshen up," she says. "You kissed off all my lipstick."

"Sorry..."

She returns his smirk. "I wasn't complaining."

He leans in for a kiss. "I just wanted to get another one in before you reapply. I'll see you out there."

He turns, but she pulls him back again. And her eyes go suddenly serious. "Hey," he frowns.

Just the tiniest shake of her head. "I'm fine. I'm really fine."

He waits a moment, studying her eyes, making sure. "Should we get a room?"

"We don't need one."

And he remembers the last wedding they attended, remembers how turned on she gets by just a little element of quirk in these things. Wonders if a little out-of-contextness might be just the thing she needs to break the Serious here...

He pulls her into the ice room after him, and his hands are moving up and down her body. But her hands are moving too. After a moment, they both lose themselves, and it isn't just sex this time. It's love. It's release. It's relief.

When it's over, he's sweaty and spent and on the verge of tears, he's so moved by what's just happened. And she just lays there, head on his chest, body spooned up into his side. She's the first to speak, when it's done.

"Coop? You okay?"

"Are you?" he says.

"Just...don't want to move right now. Need you to hold me, Coop. Just hold me, for a little longer."

"Baby, I'll hold you forever."

"It's funny," she muses. "All this time, I thought you got off on how scrappy I was. But you know, I think a part of you enjoys this whole cro-magnon thing. Being the MAN in this."

"A part of me does."

"And when I ask you to...to be there for me...to just hold me so I can feel you there..."

"It warms my heart," he says. "Because it makes me feel like you love me as much as I love you. Needing me...needing comfort and safeness and love...that doesn't make you any less scrappy, Char."

"I know it. The rational, objective part of me knows. But the part of me that's spent so long being that ice queen bitch who inspired fear and awe and obedience-and not just on the job-can't help but feel a little overwhelmed by how it feels to just need a hug sometimes..."

"Hey, I won't tell. Out there, to them, you can still be an ice queen bitch if you want to."

"Somehow, I think that's not gonna fly so much anymore. They've seen me, when I...when..."

"Shhh. Let's not talk about that."

"No, it's okay. I'm safe right now. I have you here. And we're okay again. We're okay. Aren't we?"

"We're more than okay."

"We'll get there," she says.

"I know we will."

"Just do one thing for me?"

"Anything. Name it."

"Just hold me," she says. "For a little while longer. Just stay here, and hold me so I can feel you there."


	6. Chapter 6

Part 6

She rides the floaty release of love and sex and celebration straight into work the next morning, her body still feeling soft, cuddled and warm. And it lasts all of five minutes; she's barely got herself into the office before she hears the rumbling. She can't make out just what it is, exactly, that the nurses are all abuzz about, but she hears Sam's name, hears hers, and she knows. On some instinctive level, she knows that he's back again.

She sits, tries to stop herself from tensing up, but she knows she's fighting biology on this, fighting the most primal instinct of flight, of fight, of defend. She wants to run, she wants to scream, she wants to just curl up in a ball and hide somewhere, but she forces herself to close her eyes for a second, modulate her breathing and think.

And then Addison comes in, looking like she's just kicked a puppy, or been the puppy who was kicked. She flexes the tension out of her fingers and sighs.

"How'd you get stuck with this?"

"Had a crap day already," Addison says. "Why not do this one more thing?"

She feels like there's something in there that, as chief of staff, she should push on. But she puts that away for a second. "If what I think's happened has happened, it isn't your...look, you want to just tell me? All of them out there, they're whispering without saying much."

"He's here," Addison says. "The man who...he's here. Beat up his girlfriend and she stabbed him with a kitchen knife."

And like that, she flashes through it, every blow, every memory. The hand, coming up behind her. The elbow, knocking out her eye. Her fingers, reaching out to scratch, to hit, to fight. And the grunts, as he...damn. She shakes her head, tries to clear away the pictures, tries not to throw up all over Addison's shoes...

"Charlotte? Are you..."

"He dead?" she finally manages.

"Not yet. Sam's treating him."

"Cooper know?"

"If he does, it won't be from me. Like I said. I've had a crap day already, I'm not doing that one too. Look, are you...can I leave you, here? Are you gonna be okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Cause I could...I mean, if Cooper's coming, I could wait, until he..."

"It's fine, Addison. I'm fine."

"Well, you don't look fine."

She chuckles a little, and, grateful for the opportunity for distraction, adds "Neither do you."

"Susan has a DNR."

"Ah."

"Bizzy doesn't know. If Susan dies, she'll blame me. She'll find some way..." Addison stops, shakes her head. "You don't need to know this right now."

"Well, as chief of staff, I suppose I should point out that this is precisely why we don't want doctors treating family..."

"Bite me."

"Back atcha. Hell, Addison. So that son of a bitch is back. What am I supposed to do with that?"

"Maybe he's dead by now."

"Don't think I want him dead yet. Damn. That sounds really sick, doesn't it? Saying I want him to suffer a little first?"

"Hey, you're preaching to the choir. I saw what he did to you..."

"I know you did."

Addison slumps again. Definitely the puppy who's been kicked. "Well, that's life, isn't it?" Addison says after a moment. "It's just one horrible thing after another..."

She stops for a moment, and to her surprise, she feels something inside her relax just a little as she makes the first decision she'll make today, about Lee McHenry and the power that he will -or won't- have over her life. She makes her peace with Addison. She tells herself that this one thread of that terrible night is done.

"Hey," she says. "Addison. Look at me."

Addison looks up, and she's tearful and a little scared. "What, Charlotte?"

"You said something to me. After the...you said something. You said you could be there for me. That we could be friends. And I think I wasn't quite there when you said it. But maybe now...maybe now, I could be there for _you_. I'm learning how to do that. I could be there."

She gets a smile- a weak one, but still. "I'd like that. It's gonna be a hell of a day."

"Yeah. For both of us, sounds like."

"Are you okay, Charlotte?"

"Probably not. Are you?"

"I don't think so."

They sit for a minute, and Addison's not the doctor who was there that night, and she's not the patient who had to endure yet another violation at the end of something horrible. They're just two people hurting together, knowing they have to go out there and face it all again.

"I'm sorry," Addison finally says.

"I'm sorry too. But thank you for telling me."

After a moment, Addison reaches over, squeezes her arm, smiles again and leaves her. She sits there for a long time before she gets up herself, take a single deep breath for fortification and goes out to see what's been done and what she has to do about it.

* * *

She speaks to Sam and then goes back to her office and sits there for a minute, trying to think about what to do about Cooper. It she doesn't call him soon, he'll hear it from someone else, and that will be bad for him. He'll worry about her, and he'll be hurt that she didn't call to tell him herself. But if she does call him, that will be bad for _her_. He'll come charging over here to take care of her -or worse, to take care of it- and she isn't sure she can face that just yet. Damn. You open yourself up to people and it leads to all sorts of complications.

She breathes, tries to clear her head, recognizes that for the defense mechanism that it is and tries not to take it seriously. She still has that little streak of self-destructiveness in her, that same impulse the controlled the pills and the sex and the various other escapes that got her through life when she needed them. And she still has that instinct to push away when she feels threatened or afraid or out of control...

She picks up the phone, puts it down again. Then picks it up one more time, but the number she dials isn't Cooper's.

He picks up on the second ring. "Sheldon Wallace."

"Hey Sheldon, it's Charlotte."

"Oh! Hi! Is everything..."

"Let me ask you something," she says. "In general."

"Okay..."

"You tell a person something, and he's going to want to do X, but you want him to Y."

"Okay, less general," Sheldon says.

"He'll want to swoop in. You want him to hang back- at least for a little while, anyway, til you get your own head on straight. What do you do?"

"Well, you tell him that."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that. Is this about Cooper?"

"I didn't say it was about anything. So, really? That's all I have to do is just say it?"

"Well, if this about who I think it is...he loves you, Charlotte. He may come on strong about it because he cares so much, but what's driving it is a need to make sure, especially now, that you feel safe and loved and comfortable. If you need him to do something -or not- in service of that, it will over-ride a lot of impulses he might otherwise let lead him."

"Okay..."

"So you just tell him what you need to tell him, and when he asks you what he can do to help, you tell him that too."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

She sighs. "I'm sorry, Sheldon. I never learned this when it was you."

"Wouldn't have mattered. You were always Cooper's girl. But hey, I have a friend, don't I?"

"Always."

"So, good. Take care of my friend today, will you?"

She hangs up with Sheldon. Then, she picks up the phone one more time. For Cooper.


	7. Chapter 7

Part 7

He's on his way from one patient to another, about to grab a coffee in between, when she calls him and sucker-punches his day.

"Hello?"

A long beat of silence, and he knows, he instinctively knows that it's her and something's happened. "Charlotte?"

Another long moment, and then she answers. "Just give me a second…"

But her voice sounds alarmingly far away, and he's already fidgeting from the adrenaline. "Babe…"

"Damn. Thought I was ready to…okay, I have it. Okay. Just listen. He's here, Coop."

"Who's here?"

"In the ICU. Him. The man who..."

Damn, damn, damn. "Are you okay? Is he..."

"Has a knife in his chest," she says. "Sam's trying to save him, but he ain't going anywhere just yet. I'm safe. I think. But he's here. Coop, I didn't think I would have to...that I'd ever..."

"Okay." He's already walking toward the elevator. "I'm on my way."

"No."

"You just hang tight, baby, and I'm coming over."

"Coop, no. I'll be there soon. I..."

"No, no, no, let me pick you up."

"I need the drive. Coop, just listen. I need you, I do. But I need the drive to...to get my head on straight, I guess, before we talk about this. Can you just hang back until I get there? Please?"

"Okay. Okay, well, I'm here, I'll be here."

He closes the phone and he's in front of the kitchen and everyone's watching him. He tells them, half-stunned, then walks out there in search of Sheldon.

* * *

He's with a patient; in all the time he's been seeing Sheldon as a therapist, he's somehow never had to wait before, and he paces outside Sheldon's office, the doctor in him knowing that Sheldon is doing needed work with some other suffering person right now, but the patient in him hoping that Sheldon will look out and see him there and see the crisis he's in and end his other session early.

Finally, Sheldon comes out, gives his patient a final pat on the arm, then sees him there. And instantly knows.

"What happened?"

"He's there, Sheldon. At the hospital, right now."

Sheldon goes pale, motions him inside the office, shuts the door.

"Okay," he says. "Start again."

"Charlotte just called me. He's there, Sheldon. Lee McHenry, he's there, and he has a knife in his chest, and he's in the ICU, and Sam is treating him."

"And Charlotte?"

"I don't know. She was getting better, she finally was, and now..."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. How is she right now?"

"She told me to wait here. Said she needed the drive to get her head on straight."

"Okay, that's good. It gives you time to get yours straight too."

"I just keep thinking...I need to see her right now. I need to go over and get her and keep her safe and make sure she's okay..."

"But Cooper, she IS okay. She called you, for one thing. And then she told you what she needs you to do to help her right now. This is progress, Cooper. For both of you."

"It didn't sound like progress. She could barely tell me. She was..."

"But she did tell you."

"But..."

"But you want to help her. I get that. And she gets it too. She's told you what she needs right now."

"Right. Hang back, stay cool. Some help that is."

"Well, it's maybe not a help to you. But it's a help to her, Cooper. It's what she needs right now."

"And...is it very selfish to ask what about what I need? I just feel sometimes like this is so big, you know? And she's always going to trump me. On this, she's always going to trump me. So when am I supposed to deal with how _I'm_ feeling?"

"Here, now, with me. It's not that she trumps you, exactly. You have a trauma too. But...look, think of it like triage. You treat the acute cases first. It doesn't mean the others aren't injured too. It doesn't mean they don't need help and comfort. But you treat the acute cases first. You always treat the acute cases first."

"So, I'm doing that now. By giving her space."

"Right. And you use that space to get anything that isn't going to help her out of your system. Can you tell me, how you're feeling right now?"

"I'm feeling like I'm just sick about what this is doing to her."

"Okay, so that's how you're feeling about her. How are you feeling about you?"

"I'm feeling like I want to PUNCH someone!"

Sheldon settles back in his chair, face deliberately neutral. "Okay. Let's talk about that."

He looks at his watch. "She's coming. I have to go."

"Cooper, we need to..."

"She'll be here in a second, Sheldon, I need to be with her right now. We'll catch up later."

"This isn't done."

"Don't worry, I get the drill. Triage, right? She comes first."

"I don't think you're understanding me."

"Well, you can make me understand it some other time. See ya, Sheldon."

He goes out, waits. Has five seconds with her before she bails and runs to hide in her office. He can't even be angry that she's shutting him out again. He's just so, so sad because it's so horribly unfair that she has to deal with this.

* * *

He leaves her and drives straight to the hospital, two voices playing in his head as he homes in with single-minded purpose on that bed in the ICU where Lee McHenry is. One voice is telling him that he's not going to solve anything by flying off the handle and messing this up even more than it is already. But the other voice is chanting in his ear with white-hot, emotion-fueled fury, and in the end, he can't help himself. He tells himself he's only going to look, only going to face that sucker down from behind the glass and say his piece in some way. But when he gets there, when he sees the man who took his girl and nearly broke her, something in him snaps, and he's shouting, and Sam and Sheldon are holding him back, and they're shouting too...

Then the adrenaline clears, and they're standing them, all of them are, somber and drained and a little out of breath, and it's too much for him. He turns on Sam, he leaves, but Sheldon follows him.

"Cooper!"

"What, Sheldon? What now? What else did you want to say to me?"

Sheldon just stands there, folds his arms, looks at him. And he sighs. "All right, all right, I'm sorry. It's not you that I'm mad at."

"I know."

"I just don't know what to do with this, Sheldon. I mean, Sam's gonna save him, and he's gonna live, and then he'll always be out there. And maybe Charlotte can make her peace with that, but I don't know if I can."

"I don't know about that. She's stronger than she thought she was. Maybe you are too."

"And maybe I'm not. And then I'll fail her on this, and..."

He turns away, choked up, but Sheldon puts a hand on his arm and pulls him around again. "Finish it," he says gently. "Come on, Cooper. You'll fail her, and..."

He lets himself turn toward Sheldon, but can't quite look him in the eye. "I'll fail her. And I'll never forgive myself."

"There you go," says Sheldon. "It's not Lee McHenry, or that Sam will save him or that he's going to hurt Charlotte again. It's that you'll fail her. That, right there, is your real fear."

This is a revelation to him. "It is?"

"Yes."

"So, what do I do about it?"

"Trust her a little more. There are ways she's better, you know. Ways she's softer, more empathic, more open to intimacy. You can love her for that. It's okay to love her for that."

"I think...I think that maybe I need her to tell me. That's something I need her to tell me."

"Then ask her for it, the same way she's asking you for what she needs. You know, you can be softer too..."

"I want that," he says. "I want to be that guy."

"Then just do it. Maybe it's time to start letting her in a little more. Let her know that you've had some trauma too. Did it cross your mind that maybe helping you will give her back some of her own power again?"

It hadn't. He's feeling drained by this conversation. He slumps, and Sheldon holds out a hand. "Come back with me, to the practice. Take a nap, have some food. Then talk to her."

What else can he do? A hand is reaching out to him. He clings, like the drowning man that he is, and takes it.


	8. Chapter 8

_Timeline note: Middle of 4.13 and finishing off that episode. Apologies for the delay in posting; sequencing of events here was very tricky with a lot of cuts between the storylines, so I had to re-watch more than once to figure out where everyone was or had been already at varying points in the episode. The upcoming two chapters will deal with 4.14 (Bizzy's funeral) and is light on Charlotte/Cooper, so I used my 'off-screen' moments in this chapter to lay some groundwork for a bit of Charlotte/Addison bonding in preparation..._

Part 8

She waits a minute, after Sheldon leaves, then turns and curls back up onto the couch. She hasn't got a blanket; if she did, she'd probably be underneath it, even though it's the middle of the day, even though it's her office. She's sure Violet would have something to say about that, about her aloof, self-sufficient childhood where emotions were hidden even it took a blanket or pillow to muffle them, but she doesn't want to hear that right now. Doesn't want to hear anything. She's better now, at asking for comfort when she needs it, but her primal response to any emotional threat is still to turn away, to run to someplace quiet and brood away the feelings.

Damn, but she could use a drink right now. And she knows that this is not an effective coping strategy either, and knowing it is progress, but she hasn't made enough progress yet to know what to replace it with. So she cuddles even deeper into the pillowy softness, closes her eyes, and breathes. She is dimly aware of the office door hinging open, but she keeps her eyes closed and tries to get in at least one breath before she's interrupted.

"I'm sorry," Addison says after a moment. "I'm interrupting."

She sits, blinks, rubs her eyes. "Yeah. You are."

"You want me to come back?"

"You don't have to. You look like hell, Addison."

"Just came from the hospital. Susan..."

"Damn. I'm sorry, Addison."

"Thanks. My mother is...you know, she has this whole WASPy thing, you never cry, you never talk, you never EVER lean on the people you love and just be there with them..."

"Yeah. I get that."

"I thought you would. Anyway, I guess that's just not a grief protocol that works for me right now. And the only other thing I could think to do to handle how I'm feeling right now is to curl up in a ball and cry. Or else, drink. A lot. And somehow, I thought you might get that too."

She scoots over a little, pats the couch beside her. "Come. Sit."

Addison settles herself down with an awkward little wiggle. She leans back, closes her eyes again. Tries to breathe her own crap out before she deals with Addison's...

"Charlotte?"

"Yeah, Addison?"

"So, we just sit here?"

"We just sit."

"And?"

"Try to think about something else."

She feels the cushions ruffle as Addison leans back too. And then the cushions ruffle again as she fidgets expectantly. "This really works for you?"

"I'm trying to make it work," she says. "Cause I sure can't handle the alternative. Tell you what. I'll think about Susan for you, and you think about mine for me."

"Yeah?"

"I'm sad," she says, trying to get into it. "Sad about Susan. It's very sad."

Addison nods, closes her eyes, tries to get to where she's trying to be in her head for this. And immediately tears up. "God, Charlotte. I can't go there. I can't think about yours."

"Addison..."

"I can't. I just...I'm sorry. I don't know why I came here. I know what you're dealing with today..."

"You came because I told you I could be there for you. And I'm doing that now. If you don't want to think, don't think. If you don't want to talk, don't talk. But don't cry, Addison. And don't drink either."

"Then what am I supposed to do instead?"

"Just sit, until you're ready to go out there again."

"Are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Ready to go out there again."

"I will be."

And she closes her eyes.

* * *

Later, she does feel like talking. She hears that Cooper is looking for her; it makes her want to hide again. Screw that, she decides. She's facing this. She's facing HIM, that man, that thing...

It's Naomi who finds her first, so it's Naomi who gets the talking, and it's Naomi who plants the seeds of what proves to be the day's transformative moment...

When she comes out of his room again, his sickbed where she's left him bandaged and handcuffed and minimized, Naomi is waiting for her.

"You feel okay?"

"Yeah. Thanks for coming with me."

"I'm glad I was here. Is it clearer for you now? Where good and evil really is?"

"It's in all of us," she says. "But you choose it, don't you? You choose to be good, and carry that around...or you choose to carry around the filth of what he's done, but then you're just as tainted by it as he is. I'm better than that."

"You are. You're much, much better."

"And you know, he'll get his. I believe that, I do. Not sure the pastor was always right about everything, but I do believe he was right about that one. He'll get his."

"The fire?" Naomi teases. "The brimstone? The little pointy-eared devil cherubs with the pitchforks and the flaming torches?"

She shrugs. "Whatever it is. It's out of my hands. Naomi, can you do just one more thing for me?"

"Of course, Charlotte. Anything."

"Find Cooper. I think I'm ready for him now. And then...could you check on Addison?"

"Well, of course. I didn't know you two were friends."

"I didn't either. But it's like everything else, I guess. There's more power, in peace. And I'll still have my shaky moments, I think. I'll need all the power I can get."

"Sounds like you have it already. That everything?"

"No. Not everything. Never everything. But it's something, ain't it? And I guess sometimes, we just need to start with that."

* * *

He finds her, he always does. And she lets herself, at last, relax in his arms and feel safe again.

"Took me a long time today," she admits a little sheepishly. "Being ready for this."

He pulls back a little, frowns. "I'm something you have to be ready for?"

"Now, come on. It's not you, it's this. It's letting go, really letting go, and trusting someone else to hold on to you. Do you have any idea how huge this is for me?"

"I have some idea."

"It's why I need you to be patient sometimes. Like when I called -I knew I had to call and tell you- but then I asked you to leave it be. I needed you to do that, then, so that I'd be ready for this, now. Does that make any kind of sense to you?"

"Yeah. I understand. And you know, news flash for you, I might need to do that sometimes too."

Now, she's the one pulling back, giving him the good once-over. "Oh yeah?"

"I had some...some reactions of my own today. Some that it's probably better you didn't see."

"Oh, Coop..."

"And there are some things I'm maybe ready to start talking about with you. And there are some other things I'm maybe not ready for just yet..."

How did it not occur to her that he was having reactions too? Reactions that were about his own feelings and not just hers on this?

"I'm sorry," she says. "I didn't think..."

"You didn't have to. You had enough thinking to do just for you. But are you ready for it now? For some of it, at least?"

"I'm here, Coop. I am."

"Okay. Not now, though. Let's just...the day we had, the day _I_ had...can we just hug right now? Just hold each other and just...just be?"

"Are you sure? Cause we could..."

"No," he says. "It's enough right now, just knowing you're ready."

It's like she told Naomi: it's something. And sometimes, you just need to start with that.


	9. Chapter 9

_I am so grateful for all your comments! Some of you have left feedback on every chapter. I love you guys! I am so glad you're reading and I love hearing your thoughts on the season and on how the story is is going. The next two chapters will cover the funeral episode. Enjoy!_

Part 9

They are flying to Connecticut, for the funeral of Addison's mother. He had no idea she and Charlotte were such friends now, so her vehemence about this surprised him a little. But then he remembers the last time he flew out for a funeral like this, and it was Charlotte's own father, the one rock in her otherwise cold, Southern Wasp childhood, and he supposes her finding a common ground with Addison there isn't that surprising. And he supposes too that leaving LA for awhile might give them all some healthy distance from the stuff that's happened recently...

"Babe?"

She puts down her drink, turns to him, sees the look in his eyes and instantly tenses.

"Hey." He brings his hand up behind her head, rubs her back and keeps his voice as soothing, as even as he can. "You okay, sweetie?"

"Okay, but suspicious. You have this look in your eyes...this serious look, like something's up..."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Just...there are some things I wanted to talk about. And it's a five-hour flight, so..."

"Captive audience, huh?" She nods. "Yeah, okay. Let's do it."

A part of him is a little affronted that she seems to be treating his emotional needs like something to be suffered through. But in spite of Sheldon's reassurances, he can't quite let go of this idea that on this one experience, she trumps him and always will. He doesn't want to rock the delicate boat that is her own recovery, but then he supposes that if he really does intend to speak with her about his own experience, this is as good a starting point as any...

"Some things have come up," he says. "In my conversations with Sheldon."

"Ah."

"And I think...you're finally starting to put this behind you, which is great, and I don't want to dig this all up if it's gonna be upsetting for you. But I guess these things that have come up...maybe they're coming up because I haven't put it behind ME yet. I haven't dealt with my own stuff because I was waiting for you..."

She looks touched, but just a little bit annoyed too. "That's...well, I understand it, I guess. But it kind of bugs me a little. Not sure why."

He can think of a number of reasons, but he supposes she doesn't need his head-shrinking right now. "Feelings are feelings," he offers instead. "There's no right or wrong about them. The important thing is just that we talk them through. Right?"

"I guess..."

"So, that was the first thing. He wanted me to realize that I have been affected too. Not in the same way you've been, obviously. But he wanted me to recognize- and maybe you to recognize, eventually, if you were ready- that sometimes I am going to have situations where I'm going to need support too."

He expects defensiveness. But she surprises him. She's nodding matter-of-factly and she gives his arm a reassuring squeeze. "Yeah. I got that," she says. "Or I've been starting to, anyway. I'm a little mad at myself that this only just starting to occur to me, actually. I'm sorry for leaving you alone with this..."

"You didn't. I needed to be there for you, that was where I needed to be for both of us, when you were...when it was...you know. I have that cro-magnon streak. I got some of my power back by being there for you. So the rest of this, it didn't come up until some of that was settled again."

"Okay..."

"So, the other thing," he continues. "We've been talking about how things are different now. With you. With us."

He can almost see her hackles go up again. "Different how?"

"Well...better, in some ways. And I feel horrible for even thinking there's a silver lining in something so awful, but Char, we talk more, and we're gentler, and we're both just trying to be there for each other in such a profound way...will you say something, please? Is it...is it awful, that I..."

"No," she says. There is a little catch in her voice, but she takes a deep breath, smooths it out, answers carefully. "It's like the other thing, I guess. I get it. But it kind of bugs me just the same."

"He says it's okay to trust you with this. That it's okay to be grateful that we talk and we touch and that we...that we love a little better than we did. I told him I needed to hear it from you. I needed to know that it wasn't this total...blasphemy...to even THINK that, given what's happened..."

"It's not," she says.

"But?"

"But like I said. It kind of bugs me just the same."

He lets out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. "Okay. So, what now?"

"You've said it. And we leave it and get on with our lives, same as we do with all the other parts of this sorry mess that make us uncomfortable. We need to be _here_ for each other, Coop. Not _there_."

He isn't sure if this is denial or self-preservation or a healthy perspective on this whole situation. But saying what he needed to say, having it be out there, that was catharsis, a little. He supposes he can build on that...

"I love you," he says.

"I know you do. I love you too. Can I just...can I make one tiny suggestion?"

"Yes. Anything."

"Might help if you stopped trying so hard. I mean, it's great that you've wanted to be thoughtful. But Coop, this whole thing, it was bigger than anything you or I could think. And sitting there trying to plan out how you're gonna respond to something like that, all it does is twist you up sometimes. The only thing you can do is just be here now and feel whatever it is you're feeling."

"What I feel about this, it scares me sometimes."

"Coop, it scares me too. You think those nights I just lay there and squirm, it's from sweetness and sunshine and dreams of fluffy bunnies traipsing through a meadow? I'm making my peace, as best I can, but there are dark spots, Coop. And there's always gonna BE dark spots, and even years from now, they'll probably sneak up on me from time to time. But here's what I'm realizing. Coop, I can let those feelings run a moment, but I cannot let them run my life. I got to be able to just ride it out when it's with me, then put it away again."

"I got angry. I got so angry, I didn't even know I had it in me to be that way."

"I got scared. I didn't know I had that in me either."

"I felt alone," he admits. "I didn't think I could tell you. I just felt it alone..."

"Well, we don't neither of us need that. You want me to be alone?"

"No! I'm here for you, I am."

"So, I'm here for you too. And Coop, protecting me by not being real about this, it's not actually gonna help me. Or you. You know that, right?"

"I'm learning it."

"Run it by Sheldon first, if you want to spare me the gory parts. But Coop, that has to be only a part of it. I cannot get through this by pretending things aren't what they are. I need to know that I can lean on you, and you're really gonna be with me.

He's quiet for a moment. She leans in, rest her head on him. "No more talking," she says. "I want to just sleep for awhile. Rest up before we get there."

"Okay."

"And now I'll be thinking about this. Not your fault. We needed to get this out there. Just don't want any dreams, up here when there's nothing I can do about it..."

"I'm here," he says. "I'll hold you. Keep you safe."

"That's sweet. Unnecessary. But sweet."

"I get some of my power back, being here like this."

She sighs, snuggles in closer. "Yeah. I get some of my power back too."


	10. Chapter 10

Part 10

She sleeps for awhile. When she wakes up again, she's wrapped in Cooper's arms, but he's out even colder than she was, and he doesn't stir. She delicately disentangles herself, stretches, unbuckles her seat belt and makes for the restroom.

"Hey."

Naomi, two rows ahead, looks up when she walks by. The seat beside her is empty. Naomi pats it, gives her an encouraging nod.

She sits. "Where'd Sam go?"

"Playing cards in Row 7 with Pete."

"Ah. Is that what they're calling it these days?"

Naomi laughs, then her face sobers again as she looks her up and down. "You holding up okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Just that you and Addison seemed...I don't know. I had the feeling that you were affected by this."

"Now, don't you dare try and head-shrink me."

"I'm not."

"Cause you know I'm not the sharing type."

"I do. But you know that I'm the asking type."

"That you are."

"So, then we've both done our jobs."

She exhales, closes her eyes for a second. Then looks back at Naomi and sighs. "All right. One thing."

"Sure."

"It's something Cooper said. About feeling guilty sometimes, that he and I are better now, in some ways."

"Okay..."

"Guess I'm feeling that way too, about this. I mean, it's the most horrible thing that could possibly happen, for Addison. And there I am feeling just a little bit relieved that I have something else to think about. Does that...does that sound wrong, to you?"

"It sounds understandable. On both you and Cooper's part."

"I've just never really been the touchy-feely type, you know? It's not my natural inclination. Sure, I _have_ feelings, just like anyone. But if you give yourself enough distractions, you can put 'em away a lot better than most people realize. And my whole life's been that way. I mean, is there any distraction more all-consuming than med school and being a doctor?"

"I guess not."

"But this...lately...I don't know. I've just felt like I've had more...more thoughts than I'm used to. More feelings. More...stuff. And all my usual tricks weren't keeping them away..."

"So you worked with Addison on Susan's case..."

"It was something to do."

"Now, come on. It was more than that."

"Yeah, it was. We had some unfinished business, Addison and I, and it got finished, and I suppose that's one silver lining. But more than that, I was just so relieved to have another crisis, and not about me this time..."

"Oh, honey, that's okay."

"Maybe. So, what am I supposed to do about this?"

"Well, you do what you _are_ doing, I guess. Feelings are feelings, there's no right or wrong about them."

"Huh. Coop said that too."

"Well, he's right. Trying to stifle that or control that isn't going to get anyone anywhere. You just talk it out when you have to, and then you go about your business. And you've done that by getting on this plane to fly out and be there for her."

"So, that's it? It means I get a pass on the rest of this?"

"Like I said. There is nothing to pass you on. If it's any consolation, I do think you'll have to work for it, this time."

"Yeah?"

"It's easier, sometimes, to be yourself with someone who's not as close to your bullshit. If she cracks, my bet is she'll crack for you. You mind scooting out a little? I want to use the bathroom."

* * *

A day later, she's standing in the kitchen of Addison's childhood home, and she's having flashbacks not to the rape, but to her daddy's funeral, not so long ago, in a home just like this one. She's heading back up to bed with the drink she'd come to get for Cooper before she and Addison started talking, and she's suddenly overwhelmed with a snippet of grief she hasn't felt in a long while, and it comes on her so hard and so fast that she has to stop for a second to catch her breath.

"You're a stone bastard for leaving me," she complains to her absent father. "Thank the the lord you didn't do it this way, though..."

She turns toward the bedroom, then sighs, sets down the drink, and doubles back toward Addison's room. She knocks once, then pushes open the door. Addison is lying on the bed, fully clothed, wide awake, eyes glassy, vacant, but shining with tears.

She says nothing, just climbs onto the bed, lies down beside Addison and holds out her hand. After a moment, Addison takes it.

"I don't feel like talking," Addison says.

"Now, you know I'm not the talking type."

"And I am, like, this close to a total nervous breakdown here, so if a little bit of crying is gonna scare you away..."

"Seen worse. Done worse, if you want to know the truth, but you tell anybody, and I'll deny it."

"Yeah? You?"

"I bottle 'em up pretty good most of the time, but I do have feelings, you know."

"Yeah. Why do you do that, anyway?"

"What?"

"Bottle them up. Why do you do that?"

"Why does anybody?"

Addison props herself up on her arms, suddenly angry, and energized by it. "No, I'm serious. That's what my mother did. She bottled it all up so she could keep up the appearance of a perfect little life, and it ate her up alive, Charlotte. It literally ate...her...up...alive..."

"Addison..."

"No. It ate the rest of us up too, Charlotte. Do you see that? Archer and I, it ate us up too, and I don't get it. I just don't get why she did this and why it all had to happen..."

Addison breaks off, succumbs to the tears for a second, then with a loud sniffle, dries her eyes. "Well? Have you go anything to say to me?"

"Well, I think this very chat we're having is a perfect explanation. There are people...your mother was one, and maybe so am I...who through raising or instinct or both just find real emotion absolutely terrifying. And I think...no, I _know_, especially now, after what's happened to me, how hard it can be to deal with just your own feelings sometimes. But then you let other people into your life and you have to deal with their feelings too..."

"So, what, I'm supposed to feel sorry for her? Because she had to deal with us?"

"Feel whatever you want to, there's no right or wrong. Just don't make the mistake of thinking it's about you when it's kind of not."

"But that's the problem. It was never about me. Not even once in my life, for a second was it ever about me, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about that."

"Well, you look for that in some place outside of her, I'd guess. Is it ever about you, with Sam?"

The tears stop abruptly, and Addison looks stunned. "I...hadn't thought about it that way."

"Look, here's one thing I've learned from my recent trial. There are times you go through something that's so big it's almost outside of you, how big it is. You just...you can't even...well, you know what I mean."

Addison slowly nods. "Yeah. I think so."

"And you can't live in that, Addison, you just can't. So you take it moment by moment and just try to live in that instead. You tell yourself in this moment, I am safe. In this moment, I am loved. And if you need it to be all about you, and in this moment it is, then you live in that while it's here. Cause you sure can't live in the rest of it..."

"Charlotte?"

"Hmmm?"

"How often do you still say it? I'm safe, I'm loved...how often do you actually have to say it?"

"Less often than I did at first. But hey, it's not about me right now, is it?"

That, finally, gets her a smile. She lies back down again and holds out her hand. And again, Addison takes it.


	11. Chapter 11

Part 11

_Timeline Note: 4.15, the therapy episode. Fun times!_

He's in Sheldon's office again, and he has a plan.

"I want to talk to her about the ring," he says.

Sheldon sits back, the very picture of impassive calm. "What about it?"

"She isn't wearing it."

"And?"

"There are steps, Sheldon. Sex, moving in, ring, marriage. We're on the ring."

"Uh huh."

"Uh huh? That's all you're going to tell me? What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you _were_ on the ring- in the track you were on before all this. It's why you're obsessing about it. It's a symbol of where you were before."

"And now?"

"Now you're on a different track: crisis, reaction, therapy, recovery. You're on the therapy part right now."

"But..."

"Look, you want to get to the recovery part, so you can get back to where you were before this happened? Bring her with you here, Cooper. Get her into therapy too."

"You know how that turned out the last time."

"Okay, so she may not do it for herself again. But would she do it for you?"

"Can I ask her to?"

"You're in love, Cooper. Both of you are. And in my experiences with love, I've found that doing for the other is sometimes a more powerful motivator than doing for oneself."

"She won't see you."

"She doesn't have to. I'll give you some names."

"Sheldon..."

"It won't replace what we're doing here, of course. But if you really can get her to talk to you about this, in a therapeutic setting, I think it'll give both of you some understanding of where the other one's at right now."

That's food for thought. And he spends the rest of the afternoon thinking about which fancy restaurant he'll take her to to bribe her into this. She's coming to therapy. He has things to say.

* * *

He catches her just before his last patient, and she's packing up to leave already.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey."

"You done here?"

"Yeah."

"You're not going to wait for me?"

"No."

He folds his arms, waits. And she sighs, puts on a half-hearted smile. "I'm gonna warn you that I'm in a mood," she says.

"Any reason?"

"Too much work. Too little sleep. Didn't get lunch."

"Ah. Well, I was thinking that for dinner, we could..."

"I'll be late."

"Char..."

"I have to go to a meeting, Coop."

His heart sinks. There is no good comeback for that one.

"Anything else you want to tell me?" he finally says.

"I love you?"

"That's great. I love you too. Look at me. You okay?"

She finally softens, puts down her bag, holds out her hand and lets him pull her into a hug. "I had a hard day," she says.

She's a little tearful, and he hugs her close. "Uh huh."

"It's weird. There's no...no reason, really. No one thing that set it off. Just went through my day in a pissy mood that just got pissier, and I just...just feel off. And tense. And like I want to go to a meeting."

"Okay. So, you'll go, and then...you want me to meet you somewhere? Or have anything in particular waiting for you at home?"

"Just you," she says. "Just you waiting."

"Can I ask you something? Will you come to therapy with me?"

"Cooper..."

"Just hear me out," he says. "Let's talk about this now, so when you come home it can all about the relaxing. Char, I know your experiences with this sort of thing have been...variable. But in the right hands, it can help, I know it can, because it's been helping me. And I feel like if you could experience that...if I was there with you and it was safe and it was right and you could experience that with me...it might help both of us. It might be something you could do for me, to help me with some of MY stuff."

She sighs, but to her credit, she stays in the hug with him and doesn't pull away. "Well, fine. I'll go. For you."

"So. I have another patient. And then..."

"Then you go get a pizza. A nice one, from a fancy place. Caesar salad, and some parmesan to shave on top of it- none of that fake stuff that comes in a can, you go and buy the real thing.

"Okay."

"And maybe a bottle of wine...oh, and cheesecake. I'm having a craving. Can you find some nice little place and get a good cheesecake, Coop?"

"I think that can be arranged."

"All right. I'm meeting Amelia just after six, so I'll be home by 7:30. You keep it waiting for me, and we'll eat together. Have a little evening."

He's picturing it already- a tablecloth, some candles, maybe some music...

"I love you, Coop."

"I love you too, baby. See you later?"

"Right. Coop? One more hug?"

He smiles, already having forgiven her for the mood she was in. He's a sucker for these little signs that she needs him.

* * *

He sees his patient, then prowls the hallways, looking for help. Naomi is the first one he sees, and he corners her.

"Nae?"

"Hey, Coop. What's up?"

"I need fancy pizza. And a good cheesecake. And some real parmesan cheese."

She frowns. "Um..."

"Charlotte needs a little TLC today."

"Ah."

"So, this is what she wants. And I want to make sure that when she gets it, it's going to be the best. So...where do I go? Will you help me?"

"All right, you go on home. Shower, clean the place a little, do what you need to do. I'll make some calls and have it delivered."

"Naomi, you're a saint."

"Go home, Coop."

He goes home. Forty minutes later, the doorbell rings, and there she is.

"You know, you didn't have to deliver it yourself."

Naomi shrugs. "It was on my way."

"On your way to where?"

"Sam's. I've had Olivia for the afternoon, and I'm dropping her off with him for a bit."

And he notices that, in addition to the bags with his food, she's juggling a baby carrier.

"Awww. Hey, cutie..."

Olivia burbles and holds out a tiny baby hand. He tickles it, and she laughs.

"Nae? You think Char and I will ever have this?"

"It's not really my place to say that, Coop."

"Just...she and you are kinda friendly now. Has it ever come up?"

"No. Not really."

"She doesn't really want kids. Or at least, she didn't, before."

"But?"

"But she's...she's different now. And maybe this is different too?"

"Maybe it is. But I'm not sure she's ready to have that conversation."

"Well, she's not even wearing the ring, so..."

"Coop? I feel like I need to remind you that it really hasn't been that long."

"Naomi..."

"I mean, she's come a long way. But since the...it really hasn't been that long. And you need to go slow with this, or you're gonna scare her away."

He thinks about what Sheldon said. It's not just sex, moving in, ring, marriage, kids anymore. It's sex, moving in, crisis, therapy, recovery- then marriage, then kids. He still has three more stages to work on before he even gets to the normal stuff again. And, with a sinking feeling, he realizes that there's more to talk about than just the ring, at least on his end. He has to come clean with her. He has to know that they can go into the recovery stage with each of them being right with what's happened, and his indiscretion was part of that.

"Yeah," he tells Naomi. "I know. Thanks for the pizza."

"Oh, that was the easy part. Had to drive a little, for the cheesecake."

"Yeah?"

"It's okay. Olivia finds the motion of the car very soothing."

"Oh. Happy to help, than."

"Coop, just go slow, okay? Eat the pizza. Enjoy the night. Just start with that, maybe, and build from there."

"She'll be here soon."

"Well, okay. Night, Cooper."

She leaves with Olivia, and he brings the bags in and gets himself ready for the calm before the storm.


	12. Chapter 12

_Timeline Note: Sorry for the delay; it was my busiest time of the year at work and I had no computer time. We're still in the therapy episode-Charlotte's take, this time. Enjoy!_

Part 12

There are charts in front of her. A healthy, hefty pile of charts, some from the hospital and some from her consults here. This is good, she's good with charts, she is a god-damned chart machine, and it's something to do besides sit here staring at that ring, isn't it?

She picks up a chart, then another one. Feels herself settling down again. Last night was good, she reminds herself. A little pizza, a little wine, a little fun...then today, it all went to hell with that sucker punch that he brought her into 'therapy' just so he could spring on her, and now what's she supposed to think?

No, she tells herself. Don't think. Just read the charts and sign your name on them...

"Charlotte?"

It's Cooper. She keeps her cool, that's something. Tells him all she needs is time to process. But as soon as he's gone again, her blood boils up and she flings a glass into the bookcase.

She breathes for a minute, willing herself to calm back down, and then she hears a gentle knock.

"Hey, Charlotte."

"Violet."

"Can I come in for a second?"

She shrugs, picks up a chart again. Sees Violet do a double-take, but sit anyway, saying nothing about it. A second later, she starts talking.

"So, can I ask how you're feeling right now?"

"Ah. You know."

"Yeah, he told me. After he told you, I might add."

"And what did you think about it?"

"I think he shouldn't have told you."

"Well, I think he shouldn't have done it!"

"Yeah. But I think that telling you the way he did was maybe not the smartest move he's made, and as a therapist -okay, not yours, but even so- as a therapist, and as your co-worker and as someone who's seen you deal with some of this, I was wondering how you were feeling."

"Like I want to throw something?"

Violet arches an eye, nods at the mess in the corner. "Uh huh. Sounds like that ship's already kinda sailed..."

She puts the chart down, sighs. "Violet, what do you want from me?"

"Same thing I've always wanted. For you to understand that asking for help sometimes does not make you an inferior person."

"I've asked for help. We've talked some."

"We have. But not about this."

"Do we have to? I mean, this is kinda separate from the...the...geez, asking once doesn't mean I have to talk about everything, does it?"

"Well, no. But it's certainly a healthier coping strategy than flinging things at the wall whenever you get pissed."

"I'm not pissed."

"Sure you are. And it's okay to say that, you know. Go on. Try."

"Violet..."

"Say it. You're pissed, and you deserve to be. He done you wrong."

"Violet, shut UP!"

"Well than, tell me something. If you're not pissed, what are you right now?"

"I'm thinking that this'll teach me to let people in! Damn it!"

Violet leans back in her chair, a little smirky. "There. Good girl. Wrong, but good for you for saying it. Now, let's break this down a little."

"I'm not your patient, Violet."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, and you don't really like me. You know, that actually makes it easier? For me, anyway. It's the damnedest thing, and I certainly can't explain it, but I feel like I'm your friend. And you not really liking me actually makes that kinda easier for me. Isn't that strange?"

"Violet..."

"Maybe it's because I know that since you don't really care about my feelings, you have no compunctions at all at being totally honest. I suppose the therapist in me finds that really reassuring. And since I know that we'll never spend any time together outside of work, I can be honest too without it being all socially awkward later..."

"Violet, has anybody ever told you that you think too much?"

"Yes."

"And that you TALK too much..."

"That too. So anyway, about you and Cooper..."

"I'm processing. He told me, now he needs to let it lie."

"Okay. And while he's letting it lie, what will you be doing?"

"Um...fuming?"

"No."

"Beating Amelia Shepherd to a bloody pulp for betraying me?"

"Well, you have no idea whether she did, so..."

"What, than?"

"I want you to picture two scenarios in your head. In the first scenario, you don't forgive him. What would that look like?"

She feels her eyes inexplicably welling up. "I don't want to think about that right now."

"All right. In the second scenario, you do forgive him. You have one good talk, and then you let it go, and you forgive him. Then what happens?"

"Well...then we move to the next step, I guess. We start getting back to our lives. Planning a future. A wedding, maybe. Hell, I'm already wearing the ring..."

"Ah. Is that a tiny little smile I see?"

"Eff off, Violet."

"That's my girl. Okay, so, you good? Did that clarify things?"

"I already said I don't feel like talking."

"I know you did. Okay." She gets up to leave. "Just shout if you need me."

"Violet?"

"Hmm?"

"You didn't write about it. In the book, I mean. You wrote about a lot of other crap I didn't like. But not...not the rape."

"Yeah. And that wasn't even an almost for me, just so you know. I never, ever would want to violate you again, Charlotte. I hope that nothing I've said has done that."

"No. And...thank you."

"You're welcome. Just think about it, will you? Run it in your head before you run anything through your mouth and just work it through. You'll be okay."

But she's back to her charts already. It's like Violet said. It's easier, when you don't have to try so hard.

* * *

Later, she can't stop thinking about it. Run it through in your head, Violet told her. Not a bad idea. You can run it through in your head and get some of it worked out without needing to deal with any of the other people. She plots it out as she goes to the therapist's office to meet Cooper, still spinning a little from her confrontation with Amelia. By the time she gets there, her mind back in its own safe little world, running the script. And she says it through, just like she's still in her head, and she doesn't really come back again until she feels him clasp her hand.

"I told you we were good," he's saying to the therapist as he wraps his hand around hers. And she can feel the relief, in him, in herself, and she sniffles back tears and rests her head on his cheek.

"Can we just sit for a minute?" she asks.

"Of course," the therapist says. "Take as long as you need." And she leaves them.

Cooper waits until they're alone, then rubs his finger along her cheek, brushing away the wetness.

"It's okay," he says. "You can cry if you want to."

"I don't want to cry," she says. "I want to be happy and have a nice life."

"So, we're doing that. We're together, and we're good, and I love you, and..."

"It's funny," she says. "I never used to need hearing that so much."

"Well, I'm happy to say it, because it's true. I love you."

"Coop, I love you too. Can we just...go out somewhere, tonight? Somewhere with wine and dancing, and lights..."

"Anything for you, my dear."

"And you need to kiss me."

"Okay."

"And we'll order something fancy that we never get, and we'll share it."

"Okay."

"And desert. With chocolate."

"Absolutely."

"Because you loooove me."

He pulls her close again. "Damn right I do. And don't you forget it."


End file.
